"She goes to church, and I go to mosque."

I realize it's been nearly a month since my last blog post. I promise everything is going super well, I've just been very busy and updating on a regular basis has become impossible. It's also pretty hard to know what to write, because it's hard to transfer everything I'm learning and experiencing and feeling into actual words a lot of the time.

There are only three weeks remaining of my "summer in Bosnia", and I'm at a loss for words when I think of leaving this beautiful, but complicated little country. It's not that I'm dreading going back to "the real world", filled with responsibilities, deadlines, and school work. It's more that I feel as though I'm only just beginning to get settled into life here, I'm no longer like a newborn seeing everything with new eyes, but I'm starting to understand some of the things that complicate life here for the people that I've fallen in love with. I'm passed the point where everything is new and beautiful, and I think I'm at a place where there's a real opportunity for learning, and it feels a little like I'm being torn away from that chance all too soon.

Since I last wrote, our summer programming has started and has been in full-swing for about 2 weeks. I'm really enjoying getting to know the kids(even the troublemakers!) and there are a group of 6 girls who are completely infatuated with me and follow me everywhere. They're sweet, but I'm happy to get home at the end of the day and spend time with my family, who no longer think I'm special at all and just treat me like a member of the family(this is a good thing!) Working with children is also doing awesome things for my language skills, I've seen a definite improvement, and am able to follow most conversations the kids are having, even if I'm still not able to contribute very much.

Things at the centar have been...a little hard. I guess I don't really want to get into too much of that here, but I've been a little disapointed with the work placement part of this whole thing. It's been frustrating, but it had taught me things about myself, what sorts of things are not acceptable for me, and that I need to feel supported in order to be confident in my work abilities. It's also taught me some of the differences between Bosnian and Canadian culture, and although I do find some things frustrating, I'm very mindful that it doesn't mean that "my" or the "Canadian" way is better, it's just different.
We did have a meeting with the director of the centar on Friday, and I'm very optimistic that things will improve, and that both sides are ready to make a conscious effort to make the next 3 weeks better for everyone.

As frustrating at things have been, there was a moment this week that really reminded me of why I'm here, and that the centar does do beautiful things for people. I was doing a craft with two little girls, and I asked them if they were friends from school. They said no, and then some things in Bosnian that I didn't understand. When I looked at the little girl with the most English, she just said "She goes to church, and I go to mosque. But we're still friends, here."

I felt so full, and so sure that this is a worthwhile thing for me to be doing at that moment, that it made up for the month or so of frustration I've been feeling. There is a reason why I'm here, and the centar is a beautiful place, even if it's not a perfect place.

Just a quick update

This morning I realized I'm about halfway through my placement, there are about 7 weeks remaining. I don't understand where the time has gone, and realizing that the next month is going to go by so quickly has me feeling a little sad. I'm not ready to even begin thinking about going back to Canada, and I know that it will be incredibly difficult for me to leave G-V U when the time comes.

Last night I spent a cosy and snuggly night wight with my family, after travelling in Croatia for a few days. I layed outside on the balcony under a blanket with Erna and Franjo, looking up at the stars, and felt more peaceful than I think I've ever felt. I learned a lot of things in my short trip to Croatia, but most of all I realized how much I love my family, and that I have a home in Bosnia. I told Erna that it doesn't feel like I'm in Bosnia anymore, it just feels like I'm at home, and I belong there. It's just a really good feeling, and not one that I was expecting to have here. But I am so grateful that I do.

While I was in Dubrovnik, I visited a war photo exhibit called 'Blood and Honey', which documents the collapse of Yugoslavia, and especially the war in Bosnia.(http://www.warphotoltd.com/?section=museum&page=2&item=2&exhibition=1) This was a huge learning moment for me, not because I learned a lot about the war or anything, but because I was surrounded by images of the war that my family experienced. The images on their own are disturbing, and probably upsetting for some people to see, but knowing some of my own host family's experience, and especially living in this beautiful country with these incredibly resilient and beautiful people just really shook something inside of me. I can't articulate it anymore than that right now, but I knew that for whatever reason, seeing this exhibit was a little bit of a turning point for me.

Aside from that, I've been struggling with personal things a little bit lately. I know that this is supposed to be part of the process, and what Intercordia hopes will happen, but it's very hard and lonely trying to deal with things without all my usual supports in Canada. We start programming(finally!) next week, so I'm sure I will get back on my feet then and be rejuvanated by working with the kids.

Being without doing

So, mostly at the request of my mother( "Why don't you update your blog as much as the other Intercordians?") I'm going to write a little about what I've been doing in the past five weeks(yes, it really has already been 5 weeks!)

As some people know already, due to unforseen circumstances we've not begun our summer activities with the children yet. On the one hand, there was a lot of flooding this year that pushed the school year back, so we can't do anything until the kids are out of school. The Centar is also running an after school programme in the afternoons, called "Today's Children, Tomorrow's Parents" for children who are considered high-risk. This can mean a lot of things, and I'm not sure what the criteria is for this particular programme, but it can include children from violent homes, who have alcoholic parents, who live in poverty, or are in some other way disadvantaged. Anyway, because of this programme, and I think some possible issues that happened in previous years, we're not allowed to do anything on our own until July. We're all(the Canadian volunteers) finding this pretty difficult, for a variety of reasons.

On my part, I'm really having a hard time adjusting to the pace of life here, and the monotony of it. Not having anything "to do" is kind of messing with the way I identify myself, as a person who can be lazy sometimes, but also enjoys working towards something everyday. Not having anything to work towards makes me feel a little useless and has me questioning what exactly I'm doing here. Ironicaly, this whole "being, not doing" thing is exactly in line with what Intercordia envisions this whole process to be.

Although it's a little disappointing to not be able to do what I thought I'd be doing yet, I have been learning a lot and enjoying my eyperience in a lot of other ways. My host family is really the best part of this summer for me, and going into this I wasn't expecting this to be the case. I felt like a part of the family almost immediately, and that helped a lot with the initial homesickness. I love them so much!

I spend most of my evenings walking (in my Mom sandals, Kate and Kara!) with the other intercordians, or sitting at a cafe drinking čaj, or having water balloon fights with my little brother.

So, although I am anxious to get started with activities, I am definitely soaking in the culture, the language and THE FOOD(my clothes are all too tight already) in lots of different ways. And loving every minute of it! I'm off to Croatia this weekend for a little bit of a vacation, so I'll update about that when I get back next week.

Bosnia 2

Life in Bosnia is completely different than I had envisioned it, but I love it even more than I ever would have imagined I would. My family is so, so wonderful, and I know that this experience wouldn't be nearly as lovely as it's been if I didn't have them hosting me. I feel so welcomed and looked after, and like I'm a member of the family.Most of my evenings are spent cuddling on the couch with Franjo,Erna and Mama, watching really bad English made-for-tv movies with Bosnian subtitles. Another main activity that takes place in my household is playing Uno. Games get pretty intense, and it's been a good way for me to learn some colours and numbers in Bosnian.

The language barrier might be the hardest thing to deal with, aside from group dynamics, which I will get to in a later post. Everytime I walk the street, especially the first week I was here, people(mostly men) would call out things, or kids would giggle and say things that were clearly directed at me. I found this hard to cope with, because I don't like to get male attention when I'm walking down the street in Canada, either, but with the language barrier it makes defending myself essentially impossible. I guess it's led to me feeling a little more vulnerable here then I do in Canada. And to be fair, I'm not even sure that what the men are saying is overly rude or sexist, or aything like that, but I don't like the feeling I get when their attention is put on me. It's getting better as more people se us around town and around the Centar, but at first we were the new faces everywhere we went, so the attention was intense and I often felt isolated.

I'm very slowly learning the language. Some od the other intercordians are learning it much faster than I am, out of necessity. My sister is completely fluent in English, and my brother and mother understand a substantial amount, so I don't really feel that need to learn it. We do have language classes for 2 hours a day, though, and that's been helping a lot. Also, just going out for tea or coffee(which I learned last week is a highly political word, the Croatian side calls it kavu, while the Muslim side calls it Kafu...) is a good way for all of us to practice our Bosnian.

Living in a divided town has been an interesting experience. It's so deeply engrained in people's minds that a lot of the time I don't even think about it, but the way the divide bleeds into every area of people's lives is definitely striking.The fact that there are different words for coffee and bread depending on which side you're on, for example, is something that's hard for me to understand. I'm hoping that as this summer progresses, some of the reasons behind the divide become clearer for me, but also that I'm able to see ways in which people are working towards reconciliation.

First Post from Bosnia

I have been in Bosnia for three days, and am learning so much all the while feeling extremely overwhelmed. I think I had a very romanticized idea of what this experience would be like, and when it wasn't that I panicked a little bit. The first night was pretty intense, because I don't think that I had really thought about what being in a different country surrounded by a language I have no way of understading would feel like. It was disorienting, and frustrating, and even crippling.

After travelling for like, 17 hours I think(its hard to tell with the time diference), and not sleeping, when I arrived to Gornji-Vakuf I felt like a zombie, to say the least. It didn,t even feel like I was attached to my body anymore, and I really just wanted to sleep. I emailed my parents from an internet cafe, ate, and then headed to my room. Then,

I cried. A lot. Alone in my room. And then my sister, Erna, came and checked on me, saw that I was crying, and brought my Mama and my brother, Frano, into my room and they tried to reassure me, without me being able to understand anything they were saying, that I would be fine. Mama said "I'm your Mama, and you,re my baby, for 3 months!" It was really sweet, and made me feel better. Then she asked to see pictures of my family, so I showed her the pictures I brought, unsure that she was understanding anything that I was saying. Still, I felt that she cared a lot about me and wanted me to be okay, which meant more than words anyway. Then thefamily showed me their photo albums, and it was so lovely. I knew that everything would be okay, somehow, then. And I haven't cried since.

Today I went to my brothers school, where the kids put on a sort of concert thing for Mother's day. Frano, my little brother, brought my Mama a flower, and gave me a flower decoration he made. I sat with my sister Erna's friends, who are very sweet and always try to include me in everythingt they do. I've felt nothing but looked after and accepted by my family and their friends, which is really nice. Because this is such a small town, everyone knows that we're the Canadians, and we often get stared at or laughed at everywhere we go. Our mentor, Vanessa, reassured us that it will get better in about a month or so as people get used to seeing us, and it won't be such a big deal. I hope she's right!

Oh, and the food! In all honesty, i'm not lovin' it. It's all very familiar stuff, just cooked in a different way then I'm used to. My Mama is worried about me because 'The cat eats more than I do', so most of our conversations revolve around food and why I don't eat enough. Today she made me speghetti for lunch, except instead of being covered in tomato sauce it was covered in salt,cheese and (I think) melted lard. I didn't eat much of it, so my Mama tried to get me to eat other things all afternoon. For supper, she made me fried dough which I dipped in her homemade jam(I think it's made from Rosehip, but I'm not sure. My Bosnian-English dictionary failed me!) I really liked it, and had 5 big pieces, so Mama was pretty happy. I have a feeling I will weigh at leat 15 pounds more than I do now when I get back to Canada.

The Center where I'll be working is closed because there's been an outbreak of rubella in the town, so I haven't seen it yet. They did a lot of renovations this year and jusst got brand new comuters, so it'll be nice when it's open again and I can use those computers instead of paying to use the ones in a (very smoky!) internet cafe.

I think that's all the updates I have...It's certainly been an experience so far. I'm only expecting things to get better from now on, so I will try to keep everone posted on what's going on as the summer progresses. Thank you all for the wonderful messages and words of encouragement and love, they mean so much!

19 days!

"As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others." -Desiderata

I feel it's only appropriate for me to start my first entry on this blog with a quote from my very favourite poem/prayer, whatever you want to call it, Desiderata. It was given to me a little over a year ago by my lovely friend Cara, at a point when I needed it. Everytime I read it, a different verse stands out to me, depending on where I'm at in my life.

I should probably explain what this whole blogging/ Intercordia thing is about before I get carried away with sentimental things though. So, as I'm assuming most of you already know, this summer I will be living in Bosnia for three months, where I'll be living and working in a small town that suffered a great deal during the Bosnian War in the early 90's. Since the end of the war, the town has been completely divided; each side having its own post offices, schools, mosques and churches, and neither side(Christian and Muslim) crossing into the other. What I'll be doing is working in a community center that's located on the former cease-fire line, and is considered "neutral" for both sides. I, along with four other Intercordians from across Canada, will be running a kind of summer day camp programme for the children of the town. The center is a way of promoting coexistence between both sides, in hopes that one day there won't be a need for "sides" anymore, and that everyone can become neighbours again, like they were before the war.

Intercordia Canada is a pretty unique NGO. Structured around Jean Vanier's(creater of L'Arche communities) vision, it aims to not send students abroad to "do" anything, but simply to be. To be changed by the experience of living a different culture, not to go change another culture. I'm not going to Bosnia to be an agent of change; not only is that bigger than myself, it's not something I'm interested in doing. This is very much a personal journey for me. I need to experience what life is like in a town that was structurally and emotionally devastated by warfare, in a country that experienced a genocide in my lifetime.

The reasons why I feel such an overwhelming desire to experience this are complicated, but what it comes down to is: I need to be moved by things outside myself. I need for there to be more to my life than material things, school, and money worries. I live a pretty privileged life here in Canada, and I'm not saying I don't appreciate that, because I do. But growing up in an imperialist, ethnocentric society also has it's downfalls. It means that any culture that isn't Canadian is somehow perceived as "less-than", or "other" or that it somehow needs our help to become closer to our own. We're always comparing it to our own, which is a way of reaffirming that we're still on top. Which is a silly, selfish way to live. What I'm hoping to gain this summer is a deep appreciation of a culture that is not my own, and not just in an "oh, I did that", materialistic kind of way. In a way that's authentic; that's marked by people and their stories, their pain, and their joy; and not by pictures in an album on Facebook.

I'm hoping that all makes sense and didn't come off as ungrateful. I am so so so lucky to have the life I have, but I know that this summer will help me appreciate it so much more. I guess I really need people(re: my family) to understand that this is a personal thing I need to do as a human being. It's not about leaving everyone I love for three months and peacing out to Eastern Europe, it's about learning about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, and all that, but through other people. And through moments of profound loneliness, frustration and maybe even anger. I'm not expecting this to be easy, learning never is. Learning hurts, but it's incredible when it happens.

So, I'm starting this blog as a way to keep in touch with family and friends, and let them know what I'm up to while I'm away. And also as a way for me to map out my summer, and make sense of it as it's happening. I'm not sure how much internet access I'll have when I'm there, but I'll try my best to keep this as updated as possible!